The Bastard King Of England
Famously, If Probably Falsely,
Attributed to Rudyard Kipling
Bastard #1:
Oh, the minstrels sing
Of an English King
Of many long years ago,
Who ruled that land
With an iron hand
Though his morals were weak and low.
But he had his women by twos and threes;
God bless the bastard king of England.
Now the Queen of Spain
Was an amorous dame;
A lascivious wench was she,
And longed to play
In a sexual way
With the king across the sea.
So she sent a secret message via royal messenger
To invite the king
To an all-night fling
Of love-making with her.
But his manly tool hung down to his knees;
God bless the bastard king of England.
Well, when Philip of France,
Heard it by chance
He swore before his court,
"The Queen, by God,
Prefers that slob
Because I'm rather short."
So he sent the Duke of Suffering Sap
To give the queen a dose of the clap
And pass it on to the bastard king of England
But well endowed and eager to please;
God bless the bastard king of England!
When the King of England heard the news
He cursed this Gallic farce;
He up and swore,
"By the royal whore,
I'll have King Philip's arse!"
He offered half the royal purse
And a piece of Princess Claire
To any British subject who'd
Undo Philip the Fair.
But he could spread a maid with practised ease;
God bless the bastard king of England!
The Duke of Northumberland
Jumped on his horse
And straightaway rode to France.
He claimed to be a fairy,
And the king let drop his pants.
Then he slipped a stout thong
Around Philip's schlong
Lept on his horse and galloped along
And dragged the Frenchman back
To Merry Old England.
But a king can indulge in his lecheries;
God bless the bastard king of England!
But the King of England saw the sight
And fell in a faint to the floor,
For during the ride
His rival's hide
Had stretched a yard or more.
And all the whores
In their silk drawers
Came down to London Town
And shouted round the battlements,
"To Hell with the British Crown!"
So Philip alone
Usurped the throne;
His scepter was his royal bone
With which he ditched
The bastard king of England.
But he had his women by twos and threes;
God bless the bastard king of England.
Bastard #2:
Oh, the minstrels sing of an English King,
Of many long years ago,
He ruled his land with an iron hand,
Though his mind was weak and slow.
He loved to hunt the royal stag,
Around the royal wood,
But better by far he loved to sit,
And pound the royal pud.
The hair on his balls hung down to his knees,
God bless the bastard King of England.
Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane,
And a sprightly wench was she,
She longed to fool with the royal tool,
From far across the sea.
So she sent a royal message,
With a royal messenger,
To invite the King of England down,
To spend the night with her.
Now Ol' Philip of France he heard by chance,
Within his royal court,
And he swore, "She loves my rival best,
Because my tool is short.
I'll give the Queen a dose of clap,
To pass it on to the bastard King of England."
When news of this foul deed was heard,
Within the royal halls,
The King he swore by the royal whore,
He'd have the Frenchman's balls,
He offered half the royal purse,
And a piece of Queen Hortense,
To any British subject,
Who would do the King of France.
So the noble duke of Middlesex,
He took himself to France,
He swore he was a fairy,
So the King let drop his pants,
Then on Philip's dong he slipped a thong,
Leaped on his horse and galloped along,
Dragging the Frenchman back to merry old England.
When they returned to London town,
Within fair England's shores,
Because of the ride King Philip's pride,
Was stretched a yard or more,
And all the whores in silken drawers,
Came down to London town,
And shouted round the battlements,
"To hell with the British crown."
And Philip alone usurped the throne,
His scepter was his royal bone,
With which he ditched the bastard King of England.
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